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Oh, straight men. How thou confuseth us. Well, not me, really. There are a lot of gay men out there who covet you hetero boys because we always seem to want what we can’t have. If you would just give us five minutes of your time, we’d drop our bottom jaws like rattlesnakes and give you the best toe-curling, eye-rolling oral sex of your lives. And that gesture alone would convince you that life is indeed sweeter as a full blown homo (pun intended) with Kylie on your iPod and a rainbow sticker on the back of the Mini Cooper. With a boot full of cream chargers and cocktail kits…

But you do confuse the straight women you purportedly say you love so much. I feel for straight women; mainly because they have to deal with straight men. I’m not saying that all straight men are awful, some are okay, I guess: Abraham Lincoln, Martin Luther King, Jr., and Atticus Finch from To Kill a Mockingbird come to mind.

Believe me, there are tons of out and proud fags out there who I’d love to do terribly kinky things to and they’re not giving me the time of day either. Why complicate the issue with unobtainable straight dudes? It’s just not my bag.

But let me focus. Sometimes, people, straight men have a thing for dick. They just do. They might not say so, because if they did, then they’d be “gay” and everyone knows that’s such a horrible thing. Cause gay means pink taffeta and the worst thing of all, butt invasion. Oh you didn’t know? When you’re gay, you spend all waking moments thinking of how you could shove things up your butt and turning straight men gay, because we don’t have jobs or care about the election. Politics are boring compared to lubed up traffic cones, right?

The truth is, some gay men leave their butts to the sole function that everyone uses it for and for that purpose only. Conversely, I know some straight men who can’t get off unless they have a finger or two shoved up the chute and I repeat: That doesn’t make them gay. Shocking, I know, but I give you my word on that. Sexual orientation, and sexual identity are two different things. And I love you, honestly, but I don’t have time to delve into the complexities of these matters. Look it up and get a book and let the experts explain the difference. But trust me, what people do, what turns them on, and what they’ll honestly admit to, can be vastly different. Especially when they hold onto to calling themselves straight as if their lives depended on it.

So, to my friend who inspired this post, I don’t know what to say about your ex-boyfriend. You’re a girl, he’s a boy, albeit a bit of a weirdo, but I like the guy. Him spending all this time with this other guy doesn’t mean that they’re fucking each other, but they just might be. Or maybe they’re just blowing each other (which is still sex), or jerking off together (which is also still sex), or maybe they’re just “emotionally connected” to each other (which is like sex without fucking).

I know that’s a tough thing to hear after being in a relationship with this guy, and what girl wants to hear that her former flame’s gone fag? Only he can answer that, sweets. And even with that, could he really be honest with you, if he can’t be honest with himself? The truth is, you might never know what’s up with this question mark of a dude, and you just have to make your peace with that. Again, go look up sexual identity and sexual orientation and get yourself acquainted with the differences. It might help to give you some clarity.

Wrapping up, you two are exes for a reason. That gray area of confusion, especially after all this time is a dangerous place to be. Do yourself a favor and move on. There are certainly guys out there who have their shit together and will man up and do you right and devote their time, kisses, and dick to you, and you alone.

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